Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I party with great urgency now.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
