yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
