While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
