please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
