everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Randomize
