Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
