If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
