So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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