So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
