if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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