Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
