you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
