Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
