Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
