you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
