I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
