Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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