You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
