Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
