everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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