tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
