i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Pants are for mortals
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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