She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
