My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
