Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
