My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Soap is not a condiment
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
