After last night, I could never be a politician.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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