Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
