You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
A+ Viking dick
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
