I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
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You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
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Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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