Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
