some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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