I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
