did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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