i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Alive.
So much puke
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
