Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
