You smell like a Billy Joel song
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
