i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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