I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So squirting runs in the family.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
