I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
