I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Found the puke drawer
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I know her cup size but not her name....