Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.