So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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