Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
