sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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