just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
