I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
