I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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