I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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