I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
