drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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