ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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