My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
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The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
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Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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