Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
