Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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