I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
