Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
