of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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