"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
