It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
