I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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