It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
