some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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